Rebuilding Relationships Through Perspective Shifts
When someone is struggling in life, possibly one of the hardest things for them to do is be compassionate to other people.
We often fall into the trap of comparing our own pain to the pain of others. A common sentiment, “Who are they to complain about that when I’m dealing with something so much more painful?”
The reason this is so difficult is that people often get stuck in a loop of recalling past experiences, especially painful ones. These memories become so deeply ingrained that when something reminds us of that past event, the memory resurfaces automatically.
This type of mental loop (trigger > memory > response> memory > response > repeat) leaves little room for choice, compassion, or fresh perspectives. We may feel like we’re prisoners of our own past, unable to see things differently or connect with others in a meaningful way.
This is where Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) can make a significant difference. One NLP tool I use extensively with clients is called the Triple Position Model. This technique allows people to step into multiple perspectives, shifting from one view to another to expand awareness beyond our own internal experience to include the experience of another person and more.
NLP Triple Position Model: Expanding Perspectives and Opening Space for Cultivating Empathy
The core concept of the NLP Triple Position Model is simple: we have access to three primary perspectives in any given situation (and a fourth which is not as commonly taught however is a game changer in my opinion):
- First Position: This is our own perspective of the world filtered through our own lens, shaped by our unique thoughts, feelings, and past experiences. While this perspective is essential for self-awareness, confidence, autonomy, decision making and achieving our goals – it can limit us when we are too entrenched in our own views.
- Second Position: This is the perspective of another person (or group of people). In second position, we metaphorically ‘step into the world’ of the other person and in a state of curiosity we observe the situation from their unique point of view. Supported within an intention to learn, this position encourages empathy, appreciation and connection.
- Third Position: This position is that of an observer. A client of mine once used the metaphor of ‘being a fly on the wall’ looking down at ourselves interacting with others. From this third position, we can observe the situation objectively, without the physical feelings that so often sabotage our ability to have choice. This allows us to observe the dynamics between people and the situation, provide sage wisdom and suggestions for change leading to greater clarity and insight.
Meta Position: This is a higher-level perspective that integrates all three perceptual positions of first, second, and third. From the meta position, we can witness the entire scene, incorporating our own experience, the other person’s experience, and an objective view of the situation. This viewpoint helps us develop deeper awareness and helps us find solutions that may not be apparent from just one perspective.
The NLP Triple Position Model is particularly effective when clients feel stuck or overwhelmed by their own experience. It helps to create mental and emotional space, which is vital for resolving inner conflicts and improving relationships with others.
The Impact on Relationships: A Mother-Daughter Dynamic
One of the most common scenarios where people get stuck in first position is in the relationship between mothers and daughters. This dynamic is often influenced by patterns that were established early in life, which become deeply ingrained over time. The core issue here is the lack of perspective from both sides and each party only seeing the situation through their own lens, with little appreciation of the other person’s past history, feelings or experience in the moment.
The mother may feel her daughter isn’t respecting her or living up to her expectations, while the daughter may feel misunderstood or unsupported by her mother. These misunderstandings build up over time and can lead to more intense and entrenched conflict. In some cases, this conflict can become so severe that mothers and daughters stop speaking to each other for months or even years.
In my coaching practice, I often work with mothers and daughters who are caught in this cycle. Both are stuck in first position, unable to see things from the other’s perspective. The mother is rooted in her own experience and feelings of concern, and often her own unresolved generational trauma, while the daughter is caught in a state of frustration, and desire for love and connection. Neither has the space to step into the other’s shoes and truly understand what the other person is going through. This lack of flexibility escalates the conflict, often leading to silence, avoidance, and even long-term estrangement.
By guiding my clients and trainees through the NLP Triple Position Model, I help them break out of these limiting perspectives. We start by entering and exploring first position, where each person shares their own experience without interruption. Then, we move to second position, where they physically move and metaphorically enter the world of the other person. Next, they move to third position, where they observe the dynamic from a more objective stance; often seeing for the first time how their behaviors and reactions have contributed to the situation.
The key to resolving these deeply ingrained patterns is developing empathy, curiosity, forgiveness – creating a bridge to moving forward in harmony. The Meta Position, which integrates all three perspectives, exposes the bigger picture, leading to greater compassion for each other and the ability to move forward in their relationship.
The Power of Perspective in Healing and Connection
Shifting between these perspectives opens up possibilities for deeper connection, communication, and resolution. Once individuals are able to see the situation through the eyes of others and objectively assess the dynamics, they can make more informed choices about how to respond.
The NLP Triple Position Model can be life-changing when applied to conflicts and long-term relational impasses. It empowers individuals to move beyond entrenched perspectives and experience situations from multiple angles, leading to healthier relationships and personal growth. For mothers and daughters, this model can help break the cycle of misunderstanding and allow both parties to rebuild their relationship from a place of mutual respect and intention.
Research Supporting Perspective Shifting
Studies support the idea that perspective-taking can lead to improved relationships and greater emotional intelligence. For instance, research by University of California, Berkeley, titled “The Neuroscience of Empathy”, demonstrates how adopting another person’s perspective activates the brain’s empathy circuitry. This helps individuals connect with others on a deeper level and reduces feelings of anger or resentment.
Additionally, a study from Harvard University found that cognitive flexibility and shifting perspectives is linked to better conflict resolution skills and greater emotional regulation. This aligns perfectly with the NLP Triple Position Model, which encourages individuals to expand their emotional and mental flexibility.
Moreover, NLP research in “The Structure of Magic” by Richard Bandler and John Grinder highlights the importance of perspective shifts in therapeutic settings. They argue that helping clients view a situation from multiple angles can lead to more profound insights and faster breakthroughs in therapy.
Conclusion
The NLP Triple Position Model is a powerful tool that helps people shift out of fixed, limiting perspectives. Whether it’s dealing with internal struggles or navigating complex relationships, this model allows us to step into different viewpoints, fostering empathy, clarity, and resolution. Within families it can be a life-changing technique that breaks cycles of conflict and helps rebuild relationships with greater understanding and compassion.
By incorporating the NLP Triple Position Model into daily life, individuals can create healthier, more fulfilling relationships and develop deeper emotional resilience. It’s about creating the space for both empathy and objectivity, allowing us to respond to others with greater insight, compassion, and forgiveness.
#NLPforHealing
#PerspectiveShifting
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This is such a powerful and timely article. Thank you for shedding light on the impact that perspective-shifting can have on relationships, especially within families.
The breakdown of the NLP Triple Position Model resonated deeply with me. So often we get stuck in our own emotional narrative, especially when the pain runs deep. The loop of trigger → memory → response becomes second nature, and stepping outside of it can feel nearly impossible without a toolset like this.
The distinction between the First, Second, Third, and Meta positions gave me a new language to explain something I’ve experienced intuitively, especially in emotionally charged relationships. That “fly on the wall” third position is such a game-changer…it offers clarity and calm where there was once only reactivity.
The mother-daughter dynamic you described is heartbreakingly familiar. So many of us carry unresolved wounds from those closest to us, and yet what we often crave underneath the frustration is love, understanding, and the safety to be seen.
What stood out most for me was the reminder that empathy and curiosity are the true bridge builders. When we can hold space for multiple truths (not just our own) we open the door to healing and meaningful connection.
This article is a must-read for anyone navigating complex relationships or simply wanting to deepen their emotional intelligence. Thank you for sharing your insight and practical wisdom.